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It all starts when…

We understand that when someone commits suicide, they are not getting rid of the pain. They are transferring the pain to the people left behind and they (family members, friends, spouse, parents, child/children, colleague/coworker) carry the pain for the rest of their lives.

NOTE FROM THE FOUNDER AND PRESIDENT OF COMMUNITY CONNECT, INC.

I asked a fellow chaplain why a close friend and business business partner of mine (who committed suicide) did not tell me that he was contemplating suicide or that he was struggling with life. He told me that my close friend and business partner knew that I would talk him out of it. Although I understood that reasoning, I never want anyone to feel like suicide is an option. Chaplain Michael D. Thrower

What people really mean when they say ‘suicide is selfish’

1. I AM HURTING!

When someone dies by suicide, they leave a wake of devastation that can last a lifetime. Those who die by suicide are not always the ones we would have expected to die a death of despair.

Suicide deaths create a vortex of strong, often contradictory emotions in many survivors. Survivors of suicide loss may feel a mix of rage with no clear direction, and sometimes rage that is directed at the person who has taken their life. The sudden, obliterating grief that some survivors of loss feel can put them at risk themselves for suicide.

Survivors of suicide may feel abandoned or betrayed in the aftermath of a suicide. They often wonder what it means that a fellow first responder who entrusted their life to them while on the job did not tell them about the private despair that led to their sudden death.

This reaction of strong and contradictory emotions after a suicide is common. It is equally common for many warriors and first responders to convert all strong emotions into anger. Grief and fear readily get transformed into anger when people are hurting. So, when people say, “suicide is selfish,” this may be their way of saying, “I am hurting and I have no other way to tell you how much pain I’m in.

2. I AM SCARED!

Not only does suicide leave a wake of emotional devastation, it can also create fear among survivors.

Understanding how suicidal thoughts emerge and develop over time is important and information that we all need. Without this understanding, we may be left in a state of helplessness and fear. We may wonder,

“Who is next?”

“Can suicide really be prevented?”

“What does it mean for me that someone that strong died by their own hand?”

“Could I catch the same self-destructive thoughts and urges?”

So when people say “suicide is selfish,” this may be their way of saying, “I am afraid, and I have no other way to tell you how much fear I’m feeling.”

3. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!

Suicidal thoughts may be common for many first responders and those in the service industry. First responders may have suicidal thoughts about 10 times as often as civilians, but the fact still remains that suicide happens in all areas and communities. It may not be a question of whether we will have destructive thoughts or not, but if and when these thoughts happen, have we learned enough to make the right decision.

Not everyone has experienced these dark thoughts or challenges, they may tend to judge what they don’t understand. The suicidal mind state is one of altered consciousness. It is not rational. It is characterized by distorted thinking, in the same way that someone who is anorexic thinks that they’re fat when they’re dangerously underfed. Suicidal urges are often paired with a similar level of distorted thinking.

When someone is at the end of a tunnel of despair, the voices of their loved ones are quiet little whispers while the voice of despair is often screaming at them.

Understanding the suicidal mind state brings clarity to the fact that suicide is not an act of selfishness. Suicide is about disconnection, despair and distorted thinking. The product of a distorted perception that death by suicide is somehow a gift to their loved ones. This is the fundamental lie that drives suicidal behavior.

The last thing someone would want to do is to cause the kind of devastation and emotional pain that follows a completed suicide. The last thing they would want to do is create feelings of hopelessness and fear in their brothers and sisters.

The fact that suicide causes feelings of hopelessness and fear in our family members and friends, nonetheless has nothing to do with the individual’s intention.

It is time for us to go well beyond awareness that suicide happens. It is time for us to start getting a grip on how suicidal thoughts emerge and progress over time. It is time for us to develop a tactical understanding that can help them understand and preventing suicide.

RESOURCES

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Find resources for suicide prevention for you or someone you know. We also provide additional resources supporting diverse communities, the LGBTQ community, the military, and suicide loss survivors.

Suicide Prevention Resource Center

Accurate and timely data will help you better understand the scope of the suicide problem in the United States and in your local community. These data include information on suicide deaths, attempts, ideation, means of suicide, and differences among demographic groups.

SPRC encourages suicide prevention practitioners, health care professionals, policymakers, journalists, and others to use current data related to the suicide problem. In this section of our website you will find regularly updated data on the magnitude and patterns of suicidal behavior in the United States.

If you need to talk, the 988 Lifeline is here.

At the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, we understand that life's challenges can sometimes be difficult. Whether you're facing mental health struggles, emotional distress, alcohol or drug use concerns, or just need someone to talk to, our caring counselors are here for you. You are not alone.

About NAMI

NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, the nation’s largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness.